I have noticed a trend (even in myself) to discount small steps in progress. We impatiently compare ourselves to one of our goals and, instead of focusing on how far we’ve come, we tend to focus on how far we have yet to go. Our self-talk tends to feel more like self-flagellation rather than encouragement.
When I ask clients whether they would respond to their child’s small progress the way they do to their own, the answer is a resounding “no!”. The answer tends to be the same when I replace the word “child” with “friend.” This similarity is important because it indicates that the amount of progress we are “supposed” to make does not correlate with how old we are. If we wouldn’t discount either our toddler’s or our 54-year-old friend’s progress of being able to walk 5 minutes more at a time this week over last, then perhaps we should not do it to ourselves.
This trend falls under the cognitive distortion of discounting the positive (see Feeling Good by David Burns, pg.42ff). Why does this tidbit of information matter? Discounting the positive automatically places us in a negative mood. Take this thought, for example:
- So what if I was able to clean my kitchen twice this week (over last week’s once)? This is a basic household chore, I should be doing it every night!
Everything about this thought is negative. I’m willing to bet you even read it in a punitive tone of voice! Now, a positive alternative thought does not have to feel fake. Compare:
- Last week, I was only able to clean my kitchen once. This week, I managed to do it twice! My goal is to clean it every day, and now I’m one day closer.
Notice the difference? The punitive tone is gone. The second thought is a realistic assessment of where I currently am and where I hope to be in the future. No cheerleaders necessary, just the facts.
Some tips for reframing your thoughts on small progressions:
- Ask yourself whether you would say the same thing to your best friend. If the answer is “no,” try telling yourself what you would tell them instead.
- Do your best to stick to the facts: did you get any closer to where you want to be?
- Try to leave emotional judgments out.
- Relish the little victory—even if all you do is survey your work and allow yourself to smile a bit.
One extra tip: if you find it difficult to mentally track your progress, you can start to keep a simple log. You can do it on your phone, in a calendar/planner, or a notebook. Simply write down your goal, then record each day whether you were able to do it or not. At the end of the week, you will have an accurate count of the number of times you engaged in that task. At the end of the month, you should be able to look back and see progress. This can be adjusted for repetition and duration as well. Let the facts speak for themselves.
About Ann-Marie Wingerter:
Ann-Marie is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Healthy Minds Therapy. She earned her Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Franciscan University of Steubenville, with a concentration in Crisis Intervention and Trauma Counseling. Ann-Marie takes an integrative and client-centered approach to therapy, drawing from cognitive behavioral (CBT) and dialectical behavioral (DBT) techniques to support her clients. She enjoys working with individuals navigating life transitions, anxiety, depression, interpersonal challenges, behavioral concerns, trauma, and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Learn more about Ann-Marie HERE!