What are feelings? Most of us weren’t taught how to actually feel our feelings. Many times, to survive, we brushed off our emotions, tried to hide them, or forced ourselves to “overcome” them. But our emotions don’t go away because we ignore them. Our emotions are smart; they wait, come back, and sometimes come back louder and larger.
What Does It Mean To Sit With Your Emotions?
It means allowing yourself to feel what you feel. Without judgment, criticism, forcing yourself to fix it, or trying to run away/escape it. Notice, name, and make space for your emotions.
Obstacles To Sitting with Emotions
- The urge to distract ourselves
- Physical discomfort (e.g., muscle tension)
- Racing thoughts/Ruminating
- Feeling hopeless or thinking it will always be this way
- Ignoring the need for support
These reactions are normal. This is our mind trying to protect us and using the coping mechanisms our body has developed to manage. However, some coping strategies are not suited for us in the long term.
Why Is This Skill Important?
Learning to sit with emotions is useful for individuals who:
- Experience intense emotions such as anger, anxiety, sadness, etc.
- Grew up suppressing feelings in order “to be strong”
- Avoid, avoid, and avoid to cope (i.e., distraction, work, substance use, perfectionism, doom scrolling)
- Feel disconnected
- Are you working through trauma or grief
Our journey to heal involves addressing our emotions. We can’t escape them. But we can hold them safely, understand them, and respond to them with care at our own pace.
So, How Do We Sit With Our Feelings?
- Notice It
- Tune into what you’re feeling both emotionally and physically.
- Ask yourself: What’s that? What’s coming up for me right now? I’m feeling…
- Name It
- Give your feeling a word
- Use that feelings wheel (e.g., sadness, fear, frustration, shame, overwhelm, relief, surprise)
- If you’re unsure, try: I think it is…, Something feels heavy
- Locate It In Your Body
- Sometimes our feelings have physical manifestations. See if you can find it.
- Ask: Where do I feel this? (Back pain? Headache? Tightness in the chest? Knot in stomach? Lump in throat?)
- Accept That It’s There
- Take deep breaths. Validate your emotion instead of judging or criticizing it/
- Try: This feeling is here, and that’s okay. This is difficult. Of course, I feel this way after…., I am allowed to feel….
- Get Curious About It
- Explore the feeling and any experiences linked to it.
- Ask: When have I felt this way before? What responses am I having/have I had?
- Allow the feeling to release
- Practice self-compassion by staying with the feeling for a bit (you don’t have to stay in the discomfort forever).
- When you’re ready, you can ask: What do I need next? What can I offer instead of criticism?
- It could look like: self-affirmations, mindfulness, writing a letter to yourself, allowing the release (e.g., crying), grounding techniques, taking a walk, or journaling
And Afterwards
- It’s not going to feel perfect or comfortable at first, and that’s okay. You are trying something new.
- Some feelings are more tolerable than others.
- If some feelings feel too overwhelming or scary, that’s information and a discovery. Bring it up with your therapist, who can help you process it in a safe manner.
In Conclusion
Emotional regulation or the journey to healing is not about being unbothered by our emotions. It is being able to listen inwards to our emotions. Sitting with our feelings takes courage and bravery. We learn about ourselves. We can increase self-awareness, build emotional regulation, deepen our understanding of our unmet needs, and create a space for ourselves.
About Uma Kumar:
Uma understands that seeking therapy is difficult, and on top of that, finding the right therapist by reading numerous profiles is a daunting task. She aims to meet the client where they are and create a supportive environment where they feel heard and comfortable discussing their experiences, needs, and goals.
Uma is a Resident in Counseling offering both virtual and in-person services at our Alexandria location. Uma has worked with a diverse population, including children, young adults, and the elderly, addressing issues such as anxiety, depression, adjusting to life transitions, multicultural difficulties, bipolar disorder, ADHD, school and employment stress, and various physical disabilities. To learn more about Uma, visit HERE.