When we think about grief, we might think about the death of a loved one. But grief can exist after many kinds of losses, including permanent losses that may not be recognized or understood by the people around us.
You might grieve the end of a relationship, family estrangement, the loss of a job, a major move, or a future you once imagined for yourself. Loss of ability, loss of opportunity, permanent injury, and aging are also reasons someone might grieve. Even when these losses deeply affect your life, you may hear messages–spoken or unspoken–that you’re overreacting, or that you should “get over it” by a certain point.
This experience is known as disenfranchised grief. Disenfranchised grief is a term coined by researcher Kenneth Doka to describe grief that isn’t openly acknowledged, socially validated, or publicly mourned. In other words, the loss is real, but the support and understanding that often accompany grief (e.g., flowers, funerals, obituaries) may be absent. Some of these losses may also feel ambiguous, ongoing, or difficult to name, which can make them even harder to explain to others.
What Can Disenfranchised Grief Look Like?
Disenfranchised grief can take many forms. Here are just a few examples:
For some people, grief emerges after receiving a late diagnosis of ADHD, autism, endometriosis, or another long-standing condition. While finally having answers may bring relief, it can also bring sadness, anger, or regret. Some people find themselves grieving years spent struggling, without understanding why things felt harder than they seemed for others.
Others experience grief through repeated relocations or resettlement. This could be due to reassignments through the military or diplomatic corps. Still others might be displaced due to refugee or asylee status. With every move can come the loss of friendships, routines, support systems, neighborhoods, and a sense of belonging. Some people may focus on the opportunities ahead, while others may quietly mourn what they had to leave behind.
Disenfranchised grief can also occur within the experience of adoption. Adoption-related grief can involve many members of the adoption constellation: adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents. Adoptees may grieve the loss of biological connections, family history, culture, or unanswered questions about their origins. Birth parents may carry grief related to separation from a child they placed for adoption. Adoptive parents may experience grief related to infertility or unmet expectations.
Sometimes people grieve what happened or what could’ve been. Other times, they’re grieving what never happened at all. All of these can exist alongside love, gratitude, and joy. One doesn’t necessarily cancel out the other.
Why It Can Feel So Lonely
One of the most difficult parts of disenfranchised grief is feeling misunderstood. People often want to help, but they may respond with comments such as:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “Just stay positive.”
- “At least now you can ___.” (This doesn’t make up for what was lost.)
- “You can always [find a new job / date again / have another kid / travel].” (Many losses can’t be replaced, only grieved.)
- “Have you considered ___? Someone I know did that. Now he’s cured!” (That “someone they know” isn’t you.)
- “Oh yeah, I can relate.” (Then it turns out, they can’t.)
These statements are usually intended to be comforting, and they may come from a good place. However, when someone’s grieving, attempts to quickly explain, solve, or reframe the pain can sometimes leave them feeling unseen. Ultimately, the conversation orients itself away from the griever needing support.
Over time, some people stop talking about their grief altogether. It can be exhausting to explain repeatedly why a loss matters–especially when others seem uncomfortable, or they’re eager to “move on” before you are ready.
Supporting Yourself Through Grief
There’s no right way to grieve. Some people find comfort through journaling, letter writing, voice notes, spiritual practices, or meaningful rituals. Others benefit from finding and connecting with people who’ve experienced similar losses. Still, others take a break from social events, or they commit more time to rest and self-care. None of this replaces what was lost, but they help carry the grief forward.
Most importantly, it helps to give yourself permission to acknowledge the loss rather than minimize it. Grief doesn’t have to be tied to a death to be real.
How You Can Help Someone Else
Supporting someone through grief does not require having the perfect words. Often, what helps most is simple acknowledgment, like:
- “That sounds really difficult.”
- “I’m sorry you’re going through that.”
- “Tell me more.”
- “I can see how much this mattered to you.”
- “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Also, being witnessed is often more healing than being advised. Just your accompaniment and presence can be enough.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy can provide a space to process losses that may not be fully understood by family, friends, or society. It can help people make sense of complex emotions, adjust to life transitions, process trauma when it’s part of the story, and develop greater self-compassion. Therapeutic approaches like ACT, existential therapy, narrative therapy, and EMDR have helped address disenfranchised grief.
Many people find relief simply in having their experience witnessed, recognized, and validated. Even if grief can’t be fixed or entirely go away, a grief-literate therapist can help you carry it with dignity–or grow around it, like in the illustration below:
Additional Resources
- The Living Loss: Navigating Life Transitions & Invisible Grief
- Understanding Disenfranchised Grief
- Five Things About the ‘Five Stages of Grief’ (Why grief generally doesn’t advance through “five stages.”)
- About | Ambiguous Loss (Ambiguous loss, a term created by Pauline Boss, is a type of non-death loss often leading to disenfranchised grief.)
About Courtney Q. Morris:
Courtney is a Graduate Level Intern at Healthy Minds Therapy, currently pursuing her M.S.Ed. in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Old Dominion University. Her clinical interests include working with adults experiencing anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, identity concerns, life transitions, and neurodivergence. To learn more about Courtney, visit HERE.